The Twistory of the World

I am using this blog to share some of my books that probably won't ever get published. I am adding a chapter at the rate of about one per week so keep checking back for new chapters. The first book is called:

"The Twistory of The World"
"Hey, it could have happened that way, how do you know?"

IN THE BEGINNING

Dawn, the Garden of Eden

Adam, waking up: “Damn, my chest hurts. Where did this scar come from?”

Snake: “That’s where God took one of your ribs to create a woman for you.”

Adam: “Wow, a talking snake.”

God: “What?”

Adam: “I said, Wow, a talking snake.”

God: “Really, I don’t remember making one of those. Hey hang onto him for me. I’ll bet I can relieve the angels of a few sheckles with him.”

Adam: “Yeah, sure, but what about my chest? It hurts. Don’t you have any Percidan, or morphine or something? Just what kind of an HMO do you have anyway that you can’t get me some pain relievers?”

God: “I’ll take care of that in a moment but first I want to introduce you to Eve, your wife.”

Adam: “Hi, I’m Ad…. Whoa, I’m feeling light headed and dizzy. Yikes!!! What’s that?”

God: “I call it an erection.”

Adam: “That’s going to snag on branches and stuff when I climb trees you know.”

God: “Don’t worry about it. It’s not permanent and Eve knows how to control it.”

Adam: “Great, so now I’m dependant on Eve to control this thing?”

God: “Yes, I’m afraid there’s a glitch in the works. You, and all men after you, will sometimes use that thing to think with. That’s why Eve must be in control. Now I need you and Eve to get busy and have lots of kids so that we can populate the world.”

Eve: “Hey, wait a minute. Doesn’t that mean that our sons will be bonking their own sisters? That doesn’t seem right.”

God: “Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that. Give me a minute here…………. Okay, I’ve got it. You have to leave the Garden of Eden. Travel two days west until you come to the Garden of Alabama. It’ll be okay in Alabama and listen Eve, put some clothes on when you are out in the open. I don’t want Adam waving that thing around and getting a bad sunburn.

Snake: “Would anyone like an apple? They’re Granny Smiths."




1658 AM (Anno Mundi) (Year of the earth from Creation)

Noah

God: “Noah, You’ve been chosen to do a very important task for me.

Noah: “I’ve been chosen?”

God: “Well actually you won a lottery. Gabriel pulled your name out of a hat. Personally, I was going to give the job to Abe Cohen. You know Abe. He owns Cohen Cabinets over by the access road to the Televive Highway. But NO! Gabriel said we had to be fair and give everyone an equal chance so we took every man over five hundred who was married with married children and put their names in a hat and you won.”

Noah: “Wow, how lucky can a guy get?”

God: “Anyway, I need you to build an Ark.”

Noah: “What’s an Ark?”

God: “It’s a big boat.”

Noah: “Oh, How big?”

God: “Well, it’s got to be 300 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 50 cubits wide.”

Noah: “How big is a cubit?”

God: “Oh my, I used to know that. Hey Gabriel, how big is a cubit?”

Gabriel: “About the distance from your elbow to your fingertips or 18 inches if you want to get specific.”

God: “Thanks, I can never remember that.”

Noah: “Okay, I’ll do it but why?”

God: “Oh, I’m going to have a flood and wipe out everyone around here. I’m just not happy with the way things are going at all but I need some family left to repopulate the region after the flood.”

Noah: “Oh, okay but where am I going to get that much wood? This is a desert you know and the only trees we have around here are those scrawny, little olive trees.”

God: “Oh, I hadn’t thought about that. Hey, how about I have a test flood and float some trees down the Alexander River for you. It will rain for 5 days and nights. By then you should have all the trees you need to build your ark?”

Noah: “Fine, but why do I need such a big ark for just my family?”

God: “Oh, it’s not just your family. You’re going to transport a male and a female of every species.”

Noah: “Even snakes? I hate snakes. Please don’t tell me I have to take snakes.”

God: “Yes Noah, you have to take snakes. You can put them in a special room in the back of the ark so that they don’t bother anyone.”

Noah: “Listen, I don’t want all those animals fornicating all night. I’m an old man and I’ll need my sleep.”

God: “They can wait until after the flood recedes.”

Noah: “Actually, this will work out really well. I just got a West Marine Catalog in the mail.”

God: “You got a what?”

Noah: “A West Marine catalog.”

God: “Oh no. Throw that away. I’ve been doing a little experimenting with speeding up mail service in the future and I guess I went a bit too far.”

Noah: “Should I throw away the L.L. Bean and Lands End catalogs too?”

God: “Yes.”

Noah: “Okay. I’ll go get my sons and we’ll wait down by the river for the trees.”



5500 BCE

Egyptians Weave Flax into Fabric.

Ankhmuties: “I don’t know about you Sithathor but I am getting tired of getting crotch fungus from this lion skin underwear.”

Sithathor: “Perhaps if you didn’t have Senwosret visiting your crotch quite so often, you wouldn’t have that fungus. Then again, I agree with you about the lion skin. I sure wish there was some other way to make our clothes.”

Nedjes: “Hey, the fiber of the flax plants is pretty soft and still strong. How about we see if we can weave them together into some kind of a cloth?”

Sithathor: “Don’t be stupid, little one. That would never work. Besides, I don’t even know what weaving is.”

Nedjes: “Oh, they’re teaching us to weave baskets with reeds down at the 4H now. I guess when you were there they didn’t do that. You just take the fibers run them over and under some cross fibers. Once you are done, you cross the end over and run it back a couple of fibers to seal it. I bet it would work.”

Sithathor: “It might be worth a try. Who knows, the kid may be right.”

Ankhmuties: “Well, I’ll try anything to get rid of this fungus. It’s driving me crazy. I even tried linseed oil on it and it didn’t work.”

Sithathor: “You mean flax oil. It’s not going to be called linseed oil for thousands of years yet.”

Ankhmuties: “Oh, right. I forgot. Let’s give this a try. By the way, what should we call this if it works?”

Nedjes: “How about we call it Fungus And Burning Relief In Crotch?”

Ankahmuties: “That’s way too long. Let’s shorten it to fabric”

Nedjes: “Fine, that will work.”




4400 BCE

Ukrainians Domesticate Horses

Lavra: “You know, Nyura, it would be nice if we didn’t have to walk all the way to this well and back everyday, especially having to carry these heavy jars of water.”

Nyura: “Yeah, my feet really ache by the end of the day and they swell too.”

Lavra: “To say nothing about the smell.”

Nyura: “Gee thanks.”

Lavra: “You know, I saw a bird riding on the back of one of those horses that run wild around here the other day. I wonder if we could train one of them to let us ride on it.”

Nyura: “Wouldn’t we be a little too heavy. I mean those birds are pretty small.”

Lavra: “Not the bird you idiot, the horse.”

Nyura: “Oh. So how do you propose we manage that?”

Lavra: “I was thinking that if we could catch one, perhaps we could train it.”

Nyura: “Good idea, except how are we going to catch one. They’re pretty fast.”

Lavra: “Yeah, I know. We’ll just have to come up with a plan. Start thinking.”

Nyura: “Well, it’s for sure that we can’t run them down so we’ll have to think of a way to make them come to us.”

Lavra: “Great idea. Hey, you know that brown powdered stuff your cousin brought back from India that is so sweet?”

Nyura: “Yeah, I think it’s called sugar.”

Lavra: “Okay, we get a bunch of that and put it in a bowl. When the horse comes over to eat it, you grab it by the tail and I’ll grab it around the neck.”

Nyura: “Okay, I’ll go see my cousin and get some sugar.”

The next day

Nyura: “Here’s the sugar. Let’s give it a try.”

Lavra: “Okay, just remember to grab his tail when I yell.”

Nyura: “Whatever you say girl.”

Lavra: “Okay grab.”

Nyura: “Wow, he must really like having his tail grabbed.”

Lavra: “That’s not his tail you idiot, but whatever you do, don’t let go. That’s how I trained my husband.”


Note: The domestication of horses provided an important new power of transportation and a new means of conducting warfare.



3500 BCE

Sumerians Develop A Phonetic Alphabet


Marduk: “And so, my fellow Sumerians, in conclusion, I say to you go forth and prosper in your new vocations and may my good wishes go with you.”

Nebo: “That was a great speech, Marduk.”

“Marduk: “Yeah, yeah, thanks, but as I get older, it is getting harder and harder to decipher what I mean by the pictures I write down. There has to be a better way to communicate. Besides, my throat hurts and I’m hoarse by the end of the day.”

Nebo: “Hey, how about we try to write down something that actually sounds like talking. Then you wouldn’t have to talk so much. Other people could read what you wrote. I mean, you’d still have to give an occasional speech but so what.”

Marduk: “Not a bad idea. Say the word oh, and let me watch your mouth.”

Nebo: “Oh”

Marduk: “Say it again with more oomph.”

“Nebo: “Oh.”

Marduk: “Not good enough. Try it again.”

Nebo: (as Marduk gooses him): “OOOOOH.”

Marduk: “There, that’s better. Your mouth looks like a circle. Okay let’s make the letter for O be a circle. Now try Ah.”

Nebo: “Okay but just don’t goose me again. AAAAH.”

Marduk: “That looked weird. Let’s make it like two sticks held together at the top and far apart at the bottom. Now we have O and A. Can you do an E?”

And so it went until the entire Sumerian Alphabet was finished.

Nebo: “What do you think we should call this new system Marduk?”

Marduk: “Let’s call it hooked on phonics.”

Nebo: “By the way, my butt hurts.”
.
3500 BCE

Bronze Made for the First Time

Anubis: “Enlil, you must be the slowest, stupidest slave in the whole of Greece. Get a move on with that pot of molten tin.”

Enlil: “Yes master, right away master. I’m on it. Oops.”

Anubus: “Enlil you idiot. You just spilled that whole pot of tin into the copper when you tripped. Now how are we going to clean up that mess?”

Enlil: “Sorry master. I’ll go get a dipper and try to dip the tin back out.”

Anubus: “Too late, it’s already starting to mix. Say, look at that. It looks different than copper. It’s lighter in color. Wait a minute. Let’s see what happens when it totally cools.”

Neith: “What’s going on here Anubus?”

Anubus: "Well sir, this stupid slave spilled a pot of tin into the copper. Look what is happening to it.”

Neith: “That’s very interesting. Pour some in those molds and send if over to Satis at the metalworking shop when it cools. Maybe he can figure out some use for it so it won’t get wasted.




3250 BCE

Paper Made of Papyrus Reed


Hathor: “I would really like to let the milkman know that he is leaving too much donkey milk but ever since I started working over at the Naqada bakery, I am long gone by the time he gets here.”

Aset: “Why don’t you just leave him a note?”

Hathor: “For starters, I don’t know how to write and even if I did, I don’t think I can carry one of those heavy tablets out to the front door.”

Aset: “I can help you on the writing part but I agree with you. Those tablets are just too heavy to move around. There has to be a better way.”

Hathor: “If you know what it is, please tell me.”

Aset: “I was just thinking, we’re here having our drinks on these Papyrus reed mats. Why can’t you write on them?”

Hathor: “I tried marking on them but they’re just too rough.”

Aset: “You know when we make these mats how we throw away the soft reeds that are in the center?”

Hathor: “Yeah.”

Aset: “How about we try to weave the soft ones together and then put them between two flat tablets and let them dry for a few days in the sun?”

Hathor: “I suppose it’s worth a try.”

Two weeks later

Aset: “Hathor, look at this. It’s dry and smooth as can be. You can write your note now.”

Hathor: “No I can’t.”

Aset: “Oh, I forgot. Okay, what do you want to say?”

Hathor: “Just tell him to only bring one jug of donkey milk instead of two jugs.”

Aset: “Okay, you got it.”

Hathor: “Hey, just how smooth is that stuff.”

Aset: “It’s pretty smooth.”

Hathor: “Is it soft.”

Aset: “Well, no, I wouldn’t call it soft. Actually it’s kind of stiff.”

Hathor: “Damn, I was hoping we could use it as toilet paper. I’m getting really tired of wiping my ass with leaves.”




3225 BCE

Marshmallows Invented

The mallow plant (Althea officinalis) grows in marshy areas and has triangular ovate leaves and lilac pink flowers. Ancient Egyptians mixed the sap of the root with honey to create a candy.


Yanhamu: “Okay Junior Pharaohs, everyone gather around so that we can discuss the plans for our camping trip next weekend.”

Wadj: “Yes, oh Great Ptah. We are all looking forward to our trip.”

Yanhamu: “Okay, Wadj. You are to bring a jar of grain so that we can make bread to eat. I have managed to secure some beef from the priests so we will also have meat. Make sure you bring your bows and arrows so that we can hunt and kill some food on our own. Now we have to discuss dessert. I was thinking about toasting marshmallows again this year.”

Sabef: “No way Great Ptah. I still have the welts from gathering the honey last time. Wanna see?”

Yanhamu: “No Sabef, we don’t want to see. Pull your pants back up. Anyone else want to volunteer to collect the honey?”

Hesire: “I will sir. It will be a lot safer than trying to harvest the mallow plants down in the marsh.”

Sabef: “What do you mean, safer?”

Hesire: “Don’t you remember the last trip when Ameny and Bebi were eaten by crocodiles while they were getting the mallow plants?”

Sabef: “Oh, I forgot about that. I’ll volunteer to help get the honey again.”

The next weekend

Yanhamu: “Okay Junior Pharaohs, we’re here. Get your tents set up and gather some wood so that we can have a campfire after supper and roast our marshmallows.”

Sabef: “Hey, where’s Dagi?”

Yanhamu: “Uh, he couldn’t make it.”

Sabef: “Wasn’t he one of the guys who went to get the mallow plants.”

Yanhamu: “Uh, yes he was. You know, I think his father got transferred to Cairo last week so we probably won’t be seeing Dagi again.”

Sabef: “Say Great Ptah, I’ve always wanted to ask you. How did you loose those three fingers on your left hand?”

Yanhamu: “Oh, I had an accident when I was a Junior Pharaoh.”

Sabef: “Really, what kind of a accident?”

Yanhamu: “Oh, ah, well, I really would rather not to talk about it.”

That night

Wadj: “These toasted marshmallows are good.”

Hesire: “They sure are. I want s’more. Say Great Ptah how about telling us a scary story?”

Yanhamu: “Okay, everybody gather around and listen real carefully. In the far, far future there was a leader of his people by the name of George W. Bush. The people called him W and……..”




3210 BCE

Tampon Invented in Egypt

Egyptian women used softened Papyrus with lint wrapped around it.


Bakenmut (knocking on door): Good morning. My name is Bakenmut and I represent the Jarha & Jarha Company, makers of many fine household products to make your life easier.

Neferura: “Ah yes, I’m familiar with your company. As a matter of fact, we use your KY Asp Repellent quite often. It works very well but I’ve got to tell you that sometimes it is a pain in the asp to spray. Get it? A pain in the asp.”

Bekenmut: “Yes miss, very funny. I’m here today to introduce you to our newest product for your personal use. I’m sure that you will find it very comfortable and useful.”

Neferura: “Oh, what is it?”

Bekenmut: “Well, here is a sample.”

Neferura: “It looks like a cotton candy popsicle.”

Bekenmut: “A what?”

Neferura: “Never mind, it’s just a dream I’ve been having lately. So what is it used for?”

Bekenmut: “Ah, ur, oh, ah. It’s used to stop the Red Sea Flood.”

Neferura: “I’ve lived here all my life and I don’t ever remember the Red Sea flooding. Are you sure?”

Bekenmut: “Ah, oh, ah. It will help control the Beast of Bastet.”

Neferura: “Oh, I’m sorry. What with keeping up the house and working in the orchards, I don’t get to temple all that often. I’m not familiar with the Beast of Bastet.”

Bekenmut: “Oh, ah, oh. (To himself: I wish the company would hire women to do this. I’m not even married. How do they expect me to talk to women about this?) It will reverse the Tide of Tefnut?”

Neferura: “Okay, I know that Tefnut and Bastet are gods but as I told you, I don’t get to temple.”

Bekenmut: “I understand that but work with me here. I’m trying to explain this product to you the best way I know how. How about it will slow the Molting of Mut?”

Neferura: “Okay, another god, but what does that have to do with this thing on a stick?”

Bekenmut: “Okay, one last try, it’s used to curtail the Curse of the Calendar.”

Neferura: “What does Astrology have to do with it?”

Bekenmut: “I give up. I’m going to find a nice easy job like taming lions. Have a good day lady.”





3200 BCE

Hieroglyphic Writing invented

Thuyaa: “Hey, quit hogging the weed, man. Pass that Papyrus roll over here.”

Teti: “Cool man, here, take a hit.”

Thuyaa: “Whoa, good stuff. Where’d you get it?”

Teti: “It came in with the last shipment from the far east.”

Thuyaa: “What was it that we were supposed to be doing here today anyway?”

Teti: “We’re supposed to be coming up with a new alphabet for the Pharaoh so they can carve it into tombs and stuff so that everyone will be able to read it for eternity.”

Thuyaa: “Oh, got any ideas?”

Teti: “Nope, not a one. Hey give me another hit and something might come to me.”

Thuyaa: “There you go my friend. Enjoy.”

Teti (exhaling): “Wow, that really stimulates the old brain cells. Wait, I think an idea is forming in my head. Let me take another hit.” “Yessir, that really did the trick. Okay, here’s what we’ll do. You say a letter and I’ll try to visualize something in my head.”

Thuyaa: “How about the letter A?”

Teti (exhaling): “I see a cute little birdie sitting on a stick. Write that down.”

Thuyaa: “Try B?”

Teti (exhaling): “Wow, I see a leg from the knee down. That’s so cool.”

Thuyaa: “How about C?”

Teti (exhaling): “Cool, I see a sheppards’ staff. Next.”

Thuyaa: “Next is D.”

Teti (exhaling): “Man, can you see it. It’s far out. I see a hand cut off from the arm just above the wrist.”

Thuyaa: “Try E.”

Teti (exhaling): “Oh wow, it looks like a drooping handkerchief that is floating in the air. This is so rad.”

Thuyaa: “Okay, last one and then I get the joint and you say the letters. Try F.”

Teti (exhaling): “Yikes, I see a short fat snake with horns. Here, you’d better take this. What’s the next letter in line?”

Thuyaa: “It’s G.”

Teti: “Okay, what do you see with G?”

And so it went until birds, snakes, squares, circles, ropes, owls and lions represented every letter of the alphabet. Some symbols represented more than one letter but that didn’t bother our two ancient stoners one bit.




3050 BCE

First Medical Treatise

In these years many scholars from around the Mediterranean were traveling to Egypt to study their medical practices, which ranged from embalming to faith healing to surgery and autopsy. The Egyptians felt the need to publish a medical teaching text to accommodate all these students. The following are actual Healing Prescriptions taken from the Papyrus Ebers and published by Bob Brier in ‘Ancient Egyptian Magic’, Quill Press, New York, 1981.

Cure for Diarrhea: 1/8th cup figs and grapes, bread dough, pit corn, fresh earth, onion and elderberry.

Cure for Indigestion: Crush a hog’s tooth and put it inside of four sugar cakes. Eat for four days.

Cure for Burns: Create a mixture of milk of a woman who has borne a male child, gum and rams hair. While administering this mixture say: Thy son Horus* is burnt in the desert. Is there any water there? There is no water. I have water in my mouth and a Nile between my thighs. I have come to extinguish the fire.

Cure for Lesions of the Skin: After the scab has fallen off, put on it: Scribe’s excrement. Mix in fresh milk and apply as a poultice.

Cure for Cataracts: Mix brain-of–tortoise with honey. Place on the eye and say: There is shouting in the southern sky in darkness. There is an uproar in the northern sky, The Hall of Pillars falls into the waters. The crew of the sun god bent their oars so that the heads at his side fall into the water. Who leads hither what he finds? I lead forth what has been cut from you in its place. I lead you forth to drive away the god of Fevers and all possible deadly arts.

Authors note: I am not responsible for and problems resulting from the use of these recipes. I’m not all that worried though as I have visited many drug store and pharmacies and just cannot find Brain-of-tortoise, crushed hogs tooth, rams hair or Scribe’s excrement. Just what kind of a society are we living in anyway?

*Horus – For those of you not familiar with Horus. He was an ancient Egyptian deity who was born of the virgin Isis-Meri on December 25th in a cave/manger with his birth being attended by three wise men. He was brought up on the floating island in the marshes at Buto.

He performed miracles, exorcised demons and raised El-Azarus (El-Osiris) from the dead. Horus also walked on water, delivered a “Sermon on the Mount”, was crucified between two thieves, buried for three days in a tomb and resurrected. He was “the Fisher” and was associated with fish, lamb and lion. Horus was called “ the KRST”, or “the Anointed One”.

Gee, something about Horus’ life story sounds familiar but I can’t quite put my finger on it.




3000 BCE

First Chariots made by Assyrians in Mesopotamia

Madsa: “Dordra, what’s the matter?”

Dordra: “I’m really depressed.”

Madsa: “Why?”

Dordra: “You remember that invention of mine that I call the wheel?”

Madsa: “Well, I took it to the patient office but they won’t give me a patient unless I come up with some practical use for it. I made some real small ones and they are great for skipping over water. I got nine skips with one just the other day. They said that skipping served no practical use so I made another one about the size of my hand with all my fingers extended.”

“I figured that if you could throw it on its side, another guy could catch it and that would be a good game. I even changed the name and called it a Frisbee. I tried it with my nephew, Paldeen. It flew pretty well but when Paldeen went to catch it, it hit him right between the eyes and knocked him colder than a camel turd in January. I had to get a rag and dip it in panther piss to put under his nose. He woke up coughing and gagging and making derogatory statements about my heritage. Now my sister isn’t talking to me.”

Dordra: “There must be some practical use for it. Let’s have some yak wine and mull this over.”

Madsa: “I’ll take a good yak wine any day. At least it will dull the pain.”

2 hours later

Dordra: “Hey, those things roll down hill pretty well don’t they?”

Madsa: “Huh, did you say something?”

Dordra: “Maybe we better get some coffee or something.”

Madsa: “Yeah, like more wine.”

Dordra: “I think you’ve had enough wine for now. What I said was, do those wheel things roll down hill?”

Madsa: “Yeah, but they keep falling over.”

Dordra: “How about if we put a stick through the middle of two of them. Then they can’t fall over.”

Madsa: “Okay, what are you getting at here?”

Dordra: “If they can’t fall over, then we could put a platform on the stick and a long pole on it and we could pull it along. It would make things easier than dragging two sticks with a skin tied to them for moving things around.”

Madsa: “Yeah, okay, so what?”

Dordra: “Well, that would be a practical use for them, wouldn’t it?”

Madsa: “I guess it would. Let’s try it.”

The next day

Sharo: “Hey, what is that you guys have there?”

Madsa: “We don’t have a name for it yet but these two things on the end of the stick are called wheels.”

Sharo: “Could you guys put a wall around this platform with an opening in the back and then tie the pole to a horse?”

Madsa: “I suppose so, but why?”

Sharo: “Well, I’m a soldier and it’s a real pain when you go into battle to have to carry a lance and a shield while riding a horse. It would be a lot easier if one could ride in that thing. Then you would have both hands free to fight.”

And so the famous Mashador Chariot Works was born under the haze of yak wine and practicality.




2600 BCE

Great Pyramids Built

Khafu (Cheops): “Guard, have Ameny brought to my chambers.”

Guard: “Yes sir, right away.”

Ameny: “You wanted to see me Pharaoh?”

Khafu: “Yes Ameny. You are the greatest architect in Egypt. I want you to design and build something for me.”

Ameny: “It will be my pleasure sir.”

Khafu: “The other night I was over in Memphis listening to some blues. I just love the blues, don’t you?”

Ameny: “Oh, yes sir. I go over to Memphis as often as I can. Hey, have you tried their Bar-b-que?”

Khafu: “Oh, yeah, it’s to die for. Actually that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. If you like blues and bar-b-que, then you’ll understand what I want.”

Ameny: “I hope so sir. What is it?”

Khafu: “I want to have a blues funeral in Memphis when I die. I want as many blues musicians as you can get to play for me as I make my way to the next life.”

Ameny: “Sir, I’m an architect. You need a promoter.”

Khafu: “I’m getting to that. I need you to build me a special building as my memorial and tomb. I want it to be the biggest and best every seen in the entire world.

Ameny: “I can do that but it’s going to take some time and a lot of money.”

Khafu: “Don’t worry about the money. We’ll use mostly slaves. Now I want a pyramid, a really big pyramid. I have also heard that the constellation Orion is known as the blues constellation. I want you to put in a passageway from my chamber that points directly toward Orion so that my soul can go to blues heaven.”

Ameny: “I can do that. I’ll need about 100,000 slaves and 2.3 million blocks of stone that weigh about 2 tons each.”

Khafu: “No problem. Go see Tiy down in purchasing.”




2000 BCE

Great Stone Palaces at Knossos & Milia on Island of Crete Built

Kephalos: “What a wonderful wedding reception. Look at all the salad and Baklava.”

Ampelos: “Yes, it sure is nice. I especially like the ouzo.”

Kephalos: “Well, don’t drink too much. Remember what happened last time you tangled with ouzo?”

Ampelos: “You don’t have to remind me. I still can’t show my face over at the Crete Navy Club.”

Minos: “Good afternoon gentlemen.”

Kephalos: “Good afternoon King. How nice to see you.”

Ampelos: “Yes, good afternoon King.”

Minos: “Aren’t you the two developers who built that great time share resort over on the island of Naxos?”

Kephalos: “Why yes, we are. Now how did you know that?”

Minos: “Oh, I get around. What are you guys up to now?”

Ampelos: “We’re between projects at the moment. The sales at Naxos are almost complete and things are winding down over there. We’ll appoint a management company to run it for us, probably someone with ties to ARI.”

Minos: “I don’t believe I’m familiar with ARI?”

Kephalos: “ARI stand for Aegean Resorts International. They are a trade company that allows their members to go to any one of many resorts throughout the Aegean and they’re opening up some new ones in the Mediterranean next year.”

Minos: “That sounds like a good deal. I may look into that. With my Navy, I can get just about anywhere I want to go, but I did want to talk to you two about something else.”

Kephalos: “Yes sir, what do you want to talk about?”

Minos: “I’m thinking of building a couple of planned communities, one at Knossos and one at
Malia. I want the palaces made of stone as with all the other buildings, at least the first floors. Wood and plaster can be used for the upper floors. I want them to have a theater, meeting halls, a central court, a grand staircase leading to the kings and queens halls and a Propylaeum*. They will need to be fortified and be large enough to house 70 or 80 thousand subjects. Do you think you guys could build them for me?”

Ampelos: “I’m sure we could sir. It will take us a couple of weeks to finish up our commitments over on Naxos and then we can get started right on it. Do you have any architectural drawing yet?”

Minos: “I have someone working on that right now. Oh, by the way, I want indoor plumbing in all the buildings.”

Kephalos: “No problem, we did that over on Naxos.”

Minos: “Good, then I’ll see you two in a couple of weeks at the palace. I’ll leave word with the guards to escort you right in when you arrive.”



*In Greek architecture, a monumental entrance to a sacred enclosure.

The Minoan Civilization on the island of Crete, with Minos as its first king, was the first advanced civilization in Europe and ruled the seas with its powerful navy.




2000 BCE

Babylonia Develops Mathematic System

Abieshuh: “Our swimmers are really doing well against the Egyptians and Cretans.”

Ammisaduqa: “Yeah, having six toes really helps them move along in the water.”

Abieshuh: “I think the Babylonian Backstroke is our best event.”

Ammisaduqa: “It should be, we invented it.”

Abieshuh: “You know some of those races are really getting close. We really need a way to time them. Got any ideas?”

Ammisaduqa: “A couple. I actually need a way to keep track of my business income and expenses also and I don’t know about you but I’m tired of being late for meetings because there’s no way to tell time.”

Abieshuh: “Amen to that. What are your ideas?”

Ammisaduqa: “What we really need is a complete mathematics system. I was thinking that since we all have six toes, we could base the entire system on that.”

Abieshuh: “How would that work?”

Ammisaduqa: “Well, six doesn’t help us except as a means to a base. If we take 10 sixes we have sixty. That is divisible by 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 12, 15, 20 and 30. That gives us a good base to start from. For instance, we can make 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour. We can also use it to divide a circle but I don’t think 60 pieces is enough. Let’s try 60 times 6. That gives us 360 pieces for a circle.”

Abieshuh: “Okay, but how does that help us with timing these races?”

Ammisaduqa: “Oh, that’s easy. When they start, you start counting 1 Mesopotamia, 2 Mesopotamia, 3 Mesopotamia, etc. When they cross the finish line you will know their time.”

Abieshuh: “Well, that helps with the races but how am I going to know what time of day it is?”

Ammisaduqa: “I’ll bring you a wrist sundial tomorrow and show you how to use it.”

Abieshuh: “Thanks.”




1900 BCE

Cotton Used for First Time

Harappanians, India’s earliest civilization, were the first to grow and use cotton along the banks of the Ghaggar-Hakra River in what is now present day Western India and Pakistan.

Early Morning in the town of Mahenjodaro

Group singing: “Old man river, dat old man river, he just keep rolling and keep on rolling along.”

Iravatham: “Whom are those black people down by the river and why are they singing?”

Sukumar: “Oh, those are the folks that emigrated from Africa last year. They’re harvesting some new plant that they planted. I don’t know why they’re singing.”

Ratnagar: “Well, I wish they would stop. I’ve got a hell of a hangover and it’s hurting my head.”

Iravatham: “What is the plant?”

Sukumar: “They call it cotton.”

Group singing: “Old man river, dat old man river, he just keep rolling and keep on rolling along.”

Ratnagar: “Ohhhh. Ouch!”

Iravatham: “What is it used for?”

Sukumar: “Can’t really say as how I know. Let’s go down and ask them.”

Ratnagar: “Count me out. I’m going to lay down here and take a nap.”

Sukumar (as they walked away toward the river): “Okay, see you later.”

Iravatham: “Hi, we’re your neighbors from over by the water tower.”

Mutoto: “Oh hi. How are you guys doing?”

Sukumar: “Just fine. We were wondering what this cotton plant you are growing is used for. Is it good to eat?”

Mutoto: “No, but if you take some sugar and spin it real fast. It looks like cotton and that’s just fine to eat.”

Sukumar: “So just what do you use it for?”

Mutoto: “You see this little white ball here.”

Iravatham: “Yes.”

Mutoto: “Well, you pull on it and pull on it until you have a long thin thread and then you weave it into cloth and make clothes and things with it.”

Sukumar: “Wow, that’s cool and this stuff is so soft too.”

Mutoto: “Yeah, just like a newborns’ butt.”

Iravatham: “Could we interest you in selling us some of your cotton? I have a Flax fabric factory over on the other side of town. Perhaps I could use some of this cotton.”

Mutoto: “Fine with me.”

Thus the time honored tradition of cotton and cotton pickers were born.




1400 BCE

Iron Age in Near East

In these years the Hittites controlled Armenia and the Armenians were left to the menial jobs of herding, shepherding and farming.

Sundown on the side of mount Aragats Lerr

Dismas: “It’s cold up here in January. Put some more wood on the fire.”

Kaspar: “We don’t have much more wood. How about I throw some of these rocks in there and when they heat up they will throw off the heat for a long time. You can even take them into your tents and they can keep you warm all night.”

Disman: “Okay, throw away. I’ll tell you, next winter, I’m not coming back to the highlands to herd sheep. I think I’ll find a way to farm all winter or maybe go fishing.”

Kaspar: “Yeah, I’m with you there but I have a feeling that Ahmimelech of the Hittites won’t let us get away with that. Besides, what would you do for sex all winter without these sheep?”

Disman: “Very funny, Kaspar. I’m not the one that sheep over there is staring at with googly eyes.”

Kaspar: “You know, Disman, you might not need those rocks after all. I think that sheep with the big lips is headed for your tent. Sweet dreams.”

Disman: “That does bring up the problem with sheep. You have to get off and walk all the way around the front of them to kiss them. I ask you, just how romantic is that?”

Kaspar: “Hey, look what’s happening to those rocks. They’re melting. I’ve never seen a rock do that before.”

Disman: “Take that stick and push some of that melted stuff out.”

Kaspar: “Okay. Hey look at this. It cooled off real quick. It’s really hard. Let’s try another one.”

Disman: “Hey, get another rock and let’s see it we can pound it flat.”

Kaspar: “What do you know? This stuff can be shaped however we want. I’ll bet if we melted enough of it, we could beat them into some nice plowshares for farming next summer in the Aras River valley.”






1280 BCE

Moses

God: “Moses, it’s time for your people to leave Egypt.”

Moses: “Hey, we’re been trying but that won’t let us leave.”

God: “Don’t worry, I have a plan. Do you know where the Red Stream is?”

Moses: “Yeah, I know it.”

God: “Well, I’ve had some beavers building a damn over there. It should be done by midnight and the stream will be dry enough that you can walk across. Get your people together and get everyone across the stream before sunrise. The beavers will pull a pin on the damn and release the water as soon as everyone is across so that the Egyptians can’t follow you. Oh, here, take this map to the Promised Land.”

Moses: “Thanks.”

God: “One more thing, keep moving and don’t worry if the ground shakes around dawn. I’m going to have a little earthquake and turn the Red Stream into the Red Sea so that they definitely can’t come after you.”


Forty Years later

Irv: “Moses, we’ve been wandering around out here for forty years, let me see that map.”

Moses: “Okay, here it is.”

Irv: “Well, no wonder. This is a Yahoo map. Listen, Moses, do you see that mountain over there?”

Moses: “Yeah.”

Irv: “Well you go up that mountain and ask God for a map from Mapquest.”

Moses: “Okay.”


Three days later

Irv: “Did you get the map?”

Moses: “Yeah and he gave me these tablets with rules on how we have to live once we get to the Promised Land too.”

Irv: “Let me see them.”

Moses: “No, I’ll read them to you all. The first one is ‘I am the Lord thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage’.”

Irv: “Yeah, and left us lost in the desert.

Moses: “The second one is ‘Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

Irv: “I’ll bet the sculptors won’t like that one bit.”

Moses: “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.”

Irv: “Wow, pretty picky.”

Moses: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work but the seventh day is the Sabbath and thou shalt not do any work.

Irv: “Hey, that’s going to cut way into our weekly profits.”

Moses: “Honor thy father and thy mother.”

Irv: “I guess I could do that. Does it give any specifics?”

Moses: “Thou shalt not kill.”

Irv: “Does he mean just other people or animals too? You know I like a good New York strip steak occasionally.”

Moses: Thou shalt not commit adultery:”

Irv: “What a hypocrite. Just a few years ago it was ‘go forth and spread your seed to populate the earth boys’ and now it’s ‘no adultery’. I ask you, just how much seed spreading can you do with only one woman?”

Moses: “Thou shalt not steal.”

Irv: “Hey let me see that. Is there an exclusion for bankers and lawyers? How are we supposed to make a living? Someone get me a small chisel so that I can add an exclusion to that one.”

Moses: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”

Irv: “Unless my neighbor is an Arab, right?”

Moses: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, his wife, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox, his ass or anything that is his.”

Irv: “Well, I wouldn’t want my neighbor’s ass anyway, but his wife…..now that’s another story.”

Moses: “You all will have to live with these rules. I had to agree to these commandments to get a map to the Promised Land.”

Irv: “So give me the map Moses.”

Moses: “Okay, I can’t figure it out anyway and these tablets are heavy. Can we get that big guy over there to carry them?”

Irv: “Atlas, come here and carry these tablets for Moses.”

Atlas: “Sure boss.”

Irv: “Hey Atlas, anything on those tablets about beer and wine? I really need a couple of brewskis at the end of the day and what would dinner be without some Manachevitz?

Atlas: “No nothing about that and thankfully there’s nothing about steroids either.

Irv: “Okay everybody, listen up. It says we go north on the Old Jerusalem Path until we get to Desert Road. We then go west until we get to the Golan Heights Freeway where we turn north. Let’s get started.”



1240BCE

Israelites Established

Exit 5B on the Golan Heights Freeway

Irv: “We’re here in Canaan. Everybody find a spot and stake out your tents.”

Abe: “Okay, after we stake out our tents, then what?”

Moses: “I want everybody to get a good nights rest. In the morning we are going to have a meeting to decide how we proceed from here.”

The Next Morning

Moses: “Okay everyone, go stand over by those 12 trees and I’ll be right over to talk to you.

Irv: “Hey, look at that. That caravan up on the freeway has 12 camels. That’s a big caravan.”

Moses: “Okay let’s go. Now everybody, this is Canaan, the Promised Land. God told me that when we got here, we were to split up into tribes but he didn’t tell me how many. That’s what we are here to decide.”

Abe: “Look at those 12 clouds up there. That’s a really unusual cloud formation.”

Moses: “Never mind the clouds Abe. We have to decide about the tribes. Now since God gave us 10 rules, I was thinking…..”

Irv: “Moses, Moses. Those 12 bushes over there just burst into flame all by themselves. It isn’t all that often you see 12 burning bushes.”

Moses: “We’re trying to have a meeting here to decide on the number of tribes. Pay attention, will you guys.”

CRACK

Abe: “Wow, that lightning broke that rock into 12 equal pieces.”

Moses: “Abe, please pay attention. I was saying that 10 would be a good number……”

God: “MOSES!!!”

Moses: “Yes God.”

God: “12 TRIBES. YOU GOT IT, 12.”

Moses: “Well geeze, you don’t have to yell at me. You could have at least given me some sort of a sign.”

God: “Oy Vay”




1184 BCE
Troy Captured

Odysseos: “What are you doing there, Epius?”

Epius: “I whittlin’. We’ve been here two years now trying to take Troy and capture Helen and I’m just plain bored.”

Odysseos: “What are you whittlin’?”

Epius: “A horse. What do you think of it?”

Odysseos: “I think it’s great. Say, do you think you can whittle one that would be really big?”

Epiuos: “How big?”

Odysseos: “About 5 cubits tall and 14 cubits long.”

Epius: “Yeah, I believe I could do that.”

Four years later

Epius: “Okay, Odysseos, I’m finished. What do you think?”

Odysseos: “It looks great. Where is the door so that we can crawl inside?”

Epius: “Crawl inside? You mean you wanted it hollow? I guess I got some more whittlin’ to do.”

Four years later

Odysseos: “Are you finally finished, Epious?”

Epius: “Just about, come back in the morning and I should be done.”


The Greeks laid siege to the city-state of Troy for ten years attempting to recapture Helen who, depending upon the story you believe, was either kidnapped or went willingly with Paris. Menelaus, to whom Helen had been promised in marriage, led the charge with Odysseus. The Greek army pretended to abandon the fight and leave. They left behind a large wooden horse as a gift. The people of Troy dragged the horse into the city and celebrated their victory. When they were thoroughly drunk, the soldiers inside the horse slipped out and opened the gates to the city for the waiting Greek army who then pillaged Troy.




1000 BCE

Yo-yo invented in Greece


Tryphon: “Yosimus, get in here.”

Yosimus: “Yes Tryphon, what is it?”

Tryphon: “I was trying to make a toy chariot for my son Praxiteles and I cut the axel too short. So then I thought that if I tied a string to the axel, he could pull it along behind him.”

Yosimus: “That sounds reasonable. So did it work?”

Tryphon: “No, I must have tied the string too tight because it wound up on the axel, but when I tried to pick it up, it spun back down to the ground and then up to my hand again.”

Yosimus: “Wow, what does that mean?”

Tryphon: “I have no idea. Here you try it and see if you can figure something out.”

Yosimus: “Okay, give it here.”

Tryphon: “Wow, what’s that?”

Yosimus: “I call it Walking the Dog.”

Tryphon: “What are you doing now?”

Yosimus: “I call this one Around the World. Watch this. I call this one Monkey on a String.”

Tryphon: “That’s all very nice but not very useful.”

Yosimus: “Look here. I can make it Sleep. How about I Rock the Baby?”

Tryphon: “Yo?”

Yosimus: “Skin the Cat.”

Tryphon: “Yo?”

Yosimus: “Loop the Loop”

Tryphon: “Yo?”

Yosimus: “Barrel Roll. Pinwheel. Rewind. Singapore Sling.”

Tryphon: “Yo, Yo?”

Yosimus: “What? What do you want?”

Tryphon: “How old are you anyway?”

Yosimus: “I’m 34. Why?”

Tryphon: “Well, act it for Zeus’s sake.”





995 BCE

King David Captures Jerusalem


Sharput: “Good morning King David. I’m Sharput from the Jerusalem Journal. What are you going to do now that you have captured Jerusalem?”

David: “I’m going to Disneyland.”

Sharput: “What? You’re going where?”

David: “Just write it down and make sure that it is spelled right and that it appears in your article as a quote from me.”

Sharput: “Why?”

David: “It’s called an endorsement. Someday one of my descendants will get money because I said that.”

Sharput: “Okay, how did you spell that again?”

David: “D-I-S-N-E-Y-L-A-N-D.”

Sharput: “Okay, thanks. Now what are you really going to do?”

David: “Well, I can tell you this much. I’m not going to slay any more Philistines with a slingshot. I mean was that a lucky shot or what?”

Sharput: “I can’t really say. It was a little before my time. Was Goliath as big as they say he was?”

David: “He was even bigger. I had to chop away at his neck for half an hour before his head finally came off.”

Sharput: “Wow, I wish I had been there to see that.”

David: “Well, if you want to stop by my house later on tonight. I had a taxidermist stuff it and I have it hanging on the wall in my den.”







950 BCE

Peanut Butter made by pre-Inca Indians in South America


Intina: “Pachama, go dig that pot out of the fire and see if those peanuts are roasted yet?”

Pachama: “Yes mom, they look like they’re done.”

Intina: “Good, now get your brother Yaxkin and your sister Yaneka to help you grind them up.”

Pachama: “Okay mom.”

Yaxkin: “Hey, you guys are grinding them up too fine. I don’t like the creamy style. I want crunchy.”

Yaneka: “Well, we like creamy and it’s two against one so creamy it’s going to be.”

Yaxkin: “Crunchy!”

Yaneka: “CREAMY!”

Yaxkin: “CRUNCHY!”

Yaneka: “CREAMY!”

Yaxkin: “CRUNCHY!”

Intina: “STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT. You’re giving me a headache over here. Now Yaneka, just take some of it out while it is still crunchy and put it in another bowl for Yaxkin.”

Yaneka: “Okay mom.”

Intina (Under here breath): “I swear, one of these days I’m going to kill those twins. I’m going to take them straight down to the lake and drown them both. Hmm, No, maybe I’ll take them to the priests and offer them up as sacrifices. I wonder if they’ll take the boy? I’m gonna kill that bastard who left me alone with these two monsters when he gets home from his trip too. Just let him walk in that door all smiles and tell me what a great time he had. I’ll pound him down so far he’ll have to reach up to put his shoes on. At least Pachama is polite and helpful. I guess one out of three isn’t too bad.”

Pachama: “We’re almost done here mom, is the bread ready?”

Intina: “Yes my bread is finished. Now how much do you want?”

Yaxkin: “I want marshmallow with mine.”

Intina: “We don’t have any marshmallow. We’ll have to wait until your father gets back from his trip to Africa.”

Yaxkin: “Well, if I can’t have marshmallow then I don’t even want any peanut butter. I mean what good is a fluffernutter without the marshmallow?”

Intina (Under her breath): “I’ll kill him. I swear I’ll gonna kill that boy and his father too.”






814 BCE

Phoenicians found Carthage


Queen Dido: “I’m really getting tired of this heat. I don’t know why we chose to live in the eastern shore of the Mediterranean anyway. You know, I really need a summer place to get away to and cool down.”

Alepha: “You’re right queen. Do you have anyplace in mind?”

Queen Dido: “No, perhaps we should pray to Baal and Tanit for guidance.”

Alepha: “Good idea. Last time I prayed to them it worked out really well although I couldn’t walk all that well for a couple of days.”

Queen Dido: “Quiet, let me pray. (Silently in prayer): Oh great Baal and Tanit, I’ll have what she had and I would also like a nice cool summer place to get away to.”


Phoenician settlers from the city of Tyre founded Carthage, on the Mediterranean coast of Africa, near the modern city of Tunis in Tunisia. Carthage was a great trade center, became very powerful and eventually acquired dominance over the Western Mediterranean.






776 BCE

First Olympics


Acacius: “I called this meeting today because we are thinking of starting a new tradition. We will have races and call them the Olympics after Mount Olympus.”

Cleisthenes: “How about some other sports too?”

Acacius: “No. We were thinking about just nude racing. If they’re all nude they will be able to run faster.”

Diokles: “Hey, how about nude wrestling? That would be fun.”

Cleisthenes: “Yeah, even better would be co-ed nude wrestling.”

Acacius: “No. Stop it you guys. Just racing.”

Diokles: “That’s not going to be all that popular you know. Now if we had nude female mud wrestling. That would draw a big crowd.”

Cleisthenes: “I would sure be there. I’d give my left testicle to see Pamalagia Lee mud wrestle Angodisia Jolie in the nude.”

Diokles: “Yeah, so would I.”






753 BCE
Rome Founded


Romulus: “Mom, mom, mommm.”

Princess Alba-Longa: “What?”

Romulus: “I want my own city.”

Princess Alba-Longa: “You’re too young to have your own city.”

Romulus: “But mom, Remus has his own city.”

Princess Alba-Longa: “Remus is older than you. When you get to be his age, you can have a city too.”

Romulus: “NO, I want a city right now. My own city. My own city. My own city. If I don’t get a city right now I’m going to hold my breath until I turn blue and die. Then you’ll be sorry.”

Princess Alba-Longa: “Romulus. Stop it.”

Romulus (Turning blue): “Nmmm.”

Princess Alba-Longa: “Romulus. Stop it.”

Romulus (Turning bluer): “Nmmm.”

Princess Alba-Longa: “Romulus. Stop it.”

Romulus (Turning very blue): “Nmmm.”

Princess Alba-Longa: “Okay, okay. I know a nice little place over in Italy called the Palatine Hill near the Tiber River. Nothing of importance will ever happen there so you can start a city and call it Rome.”

Romulus: “Gee, thanks mom. You’re the greatest.”





660 BCE

Empire of Japan Established


Sun Goddess Amaterasu: “Grandson, I need you to go down to earth and establish a new country.”

Jimmu Tenno: “It will be my pleasure, Grandmother.”

Sun Goddess Amaterasu: “Take with you these three heavenly symbols. The curved jewel, the sword and the mirror so that the people will know that you are my representative.”

Jimmu Tenno: “What should I call this land Grandmother?”

Sun Goddess Amaterasu: “You should call it ‘Japan, the Land of the Rising Sun’ in my honor and you will become Emperor. Your earth name will be Yamata as will all of the descendants who come after you.”

Jimmu Tenno: “What should I do once I have established the country Grandmother?”

Sun Goddess Amaterasu: “You will need to train the people to make trinkets and trash. There is going to be a huge market for that kind of stuff one day. After that, train them to make electronics. They can get their knowledge by copying the Americans.”

Jimmu Tenno: “Who are the Americans and where will I find them?”

Sun Goddess Amaterasu: “Never mind, the Americans will find you. Now just go and do what I ask.”

Jimmu Tenno: “Yes Grandmother.”






621 BCE

Greek Lawgiver Draco creates first code of laws


Odysseus: “Draco, I understand that you have been appointed to put together the new legal code for our country?”

Draco: “Why yes Odysseus, I have.”

Odysseus: “I’ve been appointed to assist you by going over the laws with you. I’ll say the offence and you tell me the penalty.”

Draco: “Fine, let’s get started.”

Odysseus: “Okay, murder.”

Draco: “Death”

Odysseus: “Rape”

Draco: “Death”

Odysseus: “Robbery.”

Draco: “Death”

Odysseus: “Assault and battery.”

Draco: “Death.”

Odysseus: “Breaking and entering.”

Draco: “Death.”

Odysseus: “Speeding.”

Draco: “Death”

Odysseus: “Uttering a bad check.”

Draco: “Death.”

Odysseus: “Falling behind in your payments to BankOlympiaCard.”

Draco: “Death.”

Odysseus: “Owning money to someone of a higher class.”

Draco: “Death.”

Odysseus: “Owing money to someone of a lower class.”

Draco: “Slavery.”

Odysseus: “Why so lenient?”

Draco: “Well, we have to be fair after all.”

Note: In 590 BCE at a testimonial in his honor, thousands of well wishers showered Draco with their hats and cloaks. He smothered to death under the pile of clothing.






499 BCE

Chinese Begin Grand Canal


Fong Wu: “Good news guys. The Emperor has given our firm the contract to build the Grand Canal that he has been talking about for years.”

Yin Shi: “That’s great. Where is this canal going to go?”

Fong Wu: “It will go from the Yellow to the Yangtze Rivers. I estimate that it will be over 1100 miles long and we will need at least 24 locks. He wants bridges too, maybe as many as 60.”

Ding Mo: “Wow that sounds like a great project. How long do you think it will take us?”

Fong Wu: “Let me check my abacus. It looks like if we plan things carefully, what with material and labor shortages and a few budget overruns, I figure we can get at least 2000 years out of it.”

Chu Yi “Great, I’m going to order myself a new rickshaw today. As a matter of fact, why don’t we all get new company rickshaws?”


Note: The Grand Canal, also know as the Beijing-Hangzhou Canal, is the largest artificial ancient canal in the world. It runs a total of 1200 miles and provides a vital link for commerce in China.